If Only
by Panruru
Summary: "If I was the kind of person who kissed people, I'd kiss you." A brief scene from 4x16.


A/N: I've been having a hard time writing for the past few, hm, _years_, and an even harder time finishing anything, but I figured it would be easier to add perspective to an actual scene from the show and, hey, it is. Cristina/Meredith is my OTP, though a Cristina/Meredith/Derek OT3 has the potential to be pretty hilarious. Let me know if you like, though the next thing I post will probably be completely different.

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"Do you wanna dance it out?"

Cristina tried to tune her out, but as usual Meredith's stupid voice cut right through her shroud of gloom. Maybe it was protected by a gloomy shroud of its own. "No," she said dully, keeping her back turned resolutely to her friend's annoyingly helpful gaze.

"Do you wanna shoot tequila?" Meredith almost sounded like she was reading from a list. A list of activities deemed suitable for the dark and twisty; how fucking hilarious.

"No," Cristina repeated. She would have left just to get away from Meredith's stupid questions, but there was nowhere else to go. Not anymore.

Meredith barely paused before inquiring, "Do you wanna call me names, mock me endlessly?"

At this, Cristina actually poked her head out from under the blanket to consider the offer. Now that almost sounded fun. And yet...

"No," she denied, dropping her head back to the pillow. She could rail Meredith with insults anytime. Today, she was just going to mope. She had allowed herself to do precious little of it in the past, and now seemed like a good time.

"I'm trying to cheer you up," Meredith said unnecessarily, a hint of frustration finally starting to color her tone. Why couldn't she just go away?

"Yeah, well stop it, it's annoying," Cristina groaned. "And it's not working; I'm deep in the wilderness here." She sighed out her misery, tugging up the blanket until she was completely covered. Maybe if she hid long enough everyone would forget she was there.

There was a dip in the bed as Meredith rolled away. _She's finally leaving,_ Cristina thought dully.

However, Meredith rolled back just as quick with another inquiry, this one lively with expectation. "Do you want the sparkle pager?"

Cristina shoved the blankets aside and immediately rolled to face her friend, lifting herself onto one elbow to look the other woman in the face. "That's not funny," she chastised, boring her gaze into Meredith's own as she tried to determine how serious she was.

Meredith lifted an eyebrow and explained, "You're sad, actually sad. You know how I know it's the right thing to do to give you the sparkle pager? 'Cause you're so sad you're not even asking for it. I'm giving it to you: the shiny shiny pager with lots of shiny shiny surgeries."

Cristina took the pager from Meredith and held it in front of her face, examining it carefully to confirm to herself that it was, indeed, the genuine sparkle pager she held in her hand. From deep within the gloom she felt something building, something she hadn't been entirely sure she'd ever feel again, lighting up her neurons like it was the 4th of July. "If I was the kind of person who kissed people," she said wonderingly, "I'd kiss you." She tore her gaze from the pager to glance back at the other woman. _Damn right I would,_ a thought escaped from deep inside her mind.

Her duty done, Meredith flopped back on the bed and yanked the pillow out from under her head before pressing it to her face as if trying to smother herself.

Cristina turned back to the sparkle pager, running her gaze over it consideringly. The fake gems glittered like diamonds in the lamplight; it would have been hideous if it weren't for the power it wielded. At once, all her pain, her frustration, her grief, was swept away to the darker corners of her mind and her heart started to thrum with excitement. She felt like she could do anything. Maybe even ... she glanced back at Meredith speculatively.

_Maybe some other time,_ she thought to herself, shutting that thought away with the others. Fuck her life. Surgeries were what really mattered, and next shift, thanks to the only woman she'd ever love, she was going to have her pick.


End file.
